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Help with College Application Editing!?

If there is anyone who has time and wants to help me edit/give me some tips on my essay, please comment here or add me on AIM: dankbc1 I appreciate all comments, thank you!!! College Application Essay: My subversive nature fueled my ideas of entering the corporate world at a young age. Last summer, I was given the opportunity to work for an online business, which sold accessories for phones, PDA's, and mp3 players, owned by my cousin. In the beginning, I thought of it only as a way to earn money and gain some independence from my parents in both financial and nonfinancial aspects of my life. However, as I learned more and more about the growing opportunities in the business industry, I became intrigued and inquisitive about everything and anything pertaining to this new world that I had stumbled upon. During my time employed at Oriongadgets, I learned a lot about affiliate marketing and web design. My cousin was my mentor as well as my employer and he explained to me what it took to start any kind of business. Due to my level of interest in affiliate marketing and my dedication to possibly establishing my own company someday, my cousin offered me a business proposition. If I created a website to advertise his products and increase his business revenue, he would give me commission for every product sold from my website. Throughout the period of time that I designed the website and began advertising it, I grew in many ways and a lot of people saw the difference. These changes took place as I learned to communicate with business affiliates and began on the road to starting my own business. As I grew less and less dependent on my parents, I witnessed them giving me more freedom in my own life. I began to understand money management and how to make time for family, friends and myself. Although I did not earn a ton of money, I gained something invaluable, knowledge. I matured as an individual, became independent, and formulated a goal for my future. My first job, as well as my family influenced me incredibly and catapulted my interest level in business management to a whole new level. p.s. Question is about my person experiences and how they affected me. Any tips will help!!!!

Public Comments

1. It's a start, but you failed to say /how/ you grew as an individual. What were you like before? What are you like now? What specifically caused those changes? Why are those changes a good thing? Also, your topic sentence has nothing to do with your essay. What subversive nature? How does that fuel your ideas? You need to either elaborate or change the sentence. If you have any good anecdotes, those may be helpful as well.
2. It's good overall. Somewhere in there mention.......Therefore, I want to pursue a degree in manangement or the exact MAJOR. Maybe at the end. I think you should take out the " I did not earn a ton of money". Don't also say "I gained something invaluble knowledge........you have to say WHAT YOU EXACTLY learnt. Also you might want to talk about Business management itself a little bit more. Like I"m a team player with ideas but also can work independetly......etc.......etc..........just mention about WHAT YOU EXACTLY ARE GOOD AT...YOUR ARTTRIBUTES...use more adjectives...about yourself.