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Help with College Application Editing!?

If there is anyone who has time and wants to help me edit/give me some tips on my essay, please comment here or add me on AIM: dankbc1 I appreciate all comments, thank you!!! College Application Essay: My subversive nature fueled my ideas of entering the corporate world at a young age. Last summer, I was given the opportunity to work for an online business, which sold accessories for phones, PDA's, and mp3 players, owned by my cousin. In the beginning, I thought of it only as a way to earn money and gain some independence from my parents in both financial and nonfinancial aspects of my life. However, as I learned more and more about the growing opportunities in the business industry, I became intrigued and inquisitive about everything and anything pertaining to this new world that I had stumbled upon. During my time employed at Oriongadgets, I learned a lot about affiliate marketing and web design. My cousin was my mentor as well as my employer and he explained to me what it took to start any kind of business. Due to my level of interest in affiliate marketing and my dedication to possibly establishing my own company someday, my cousin offered me a business proposition. If I created a website to advertise his products and increase his business revenue, he would give me commission for every product sold from my website. Throughout the period of time that I designed the website and began advertising it, I grew in many ways and a lot of people saw the difference. These changes took place as I learned to communicate with business affiliates and began on the road to starting my own business. As I grew less and less dependent on my parents, I witnessed them giving me more freedom in my own life. I began to understand money management and how to make time for family, friends and myself. Although I did not earn a ton of money, I gained something invaluable, knowledge. I matured as an individual, became independent, and formulated a goal for my future. My first job, as well as my family influenced me incredibly and catapulted my interest level in business management to a whole new level.

Public Comments

1. its very good...however its not 100% in essay form... You don't have a "hook." My subversive nature fueled my ideas of entering the corporate world at a young age. ^before you say that you need to have a generalization. not about you...what is the question in the first place? You should say something that is sort of states the question but in a non-obvious way...for example lets say ur essay was about friendships and u were talking about ur best friend..the hook should say something like It has been proven that having one person you can truley depend on can raise someones life expectancy by 5 years. except for yours it shouldnt be a fact..im just trying to give u an idea...make it something sort of 'catchy.' and also u need a thesis...this is where u restate the question basically. so after u say "However, as I learned more and more about the growing opportunities in the business industry, I became intrigued and inquisitive about everything and anything pertaining to this new world that I had stumbled upon." then u should state the question... you should also add more details && information..i dont know how long it has to be but thats pretty short maybe u can give examples of how u were before u worked there