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can you read and critique this rough draft college essay?

the question- Describe the environment you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and how this environment has affected or influenced your plans for the future. (400 word limit) The essay I aspire to become an executive in the automotive industry. This ambitious goal is the culmination of influences afflicted upon me by my family, environment, and schooling. My mom introduced me to my first love when I was in the second grade: she took me to the BMW dealership. I can remember vividly to this day the moment I set eyes on that jet black 750 iL. From that point on I became obsessed with cars and everything affiliated with them. I babied that car, learning to perform basic maintenance and cleaning it regularly. It wasn’t until my sister began dating her present day fiancé Evan Lowe that my love became a passion- He was a tried and true gearhead. Evan taught me how to make cars go faster and perform better. He even took me to the track with him on occasion. With the blessings of my mother and soon to be brother-in-law I was free to pursue my love: everything automotive. Car related magazines were not the only literature available to my inner grease monkey. My father took pride in filling my environment with books and other reading material. In the many books adorning my book shelves I found what is without a doubt the most influential book I have ever read. Lee Iacocca’s book “Where Have All the Leaders Gone” discussed everything American and connected most of it to the automotive industry. This book exerted the final force needed for me to realize that this industry was my calling, because it made me realize that not only can the automobile be my love but also a place where I can make an honest living doing something that is arguably patriotic. Knowing that I wanted to work in the automotive industry was not an accurate and thus attainable goal. Sophomore year I took Marketing and realized that not only did I love cars but I excelled in the business fields. The course was always interesting and I was always learning something new and exciting. My parents remarked that I talked about the course as much as I talked about cars. In this newly discovered field I found what I believe to be my calling. (pardon the cliché) These influences made clear to me that I could work in the field I was passionate about and employ my natural abilities. any comments or tips or anything would be much appreciated! thanks!

Public Comments

1. This essay does not answer the question asked. They want you to describe your home environment -- establishing where you come from with an eye toward where you want to go. It'd be wise to rework this essay to provide a bit more context about who you are before you talk about your ambitions -- a bit less detail about cars would also be wise. Paint with broad strokes here.