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Essay-Can someone please check this over for me? That would be awesome if you could! I'm in Gr 12 English?

It will be marked on a 6 point scale system.. Keeping an Open Mind Allows for Growth Have you ever wondered how keeping an open mind has affected people and the world?  Well, it has allowed people to grow by developing our views, and improving our knowledge.  Society and its views are very complicated in nature, and it all depends on open minds in order to allow for growth. The world is constantly changing with new ideas, trends, innovations, and technology, and it requires people to be open and have unbiased judgements in order for these to succeed.             When people allow their minds to be undogmatic, they allow themselves to see, observe, and compare new ideas to old ideas. For example, many people do not accept, or are not open to the idea of buying domestic and trans-border airplane tickets online because they are not willing to change or try a new method, or that they are afraid that someone will steal their credit card number through the internet.  However, if they were open to the idea of buying airplane tickets online, not only would they learn that it is generally safe, but they would save a lot of time, get a better deal, and save the $30 to $40 booking fee (since most airlines in North America do not pay commission to travel agencies). This is an example of something that has been created to help benefit the people, and if people don't give this method a chance, they will not be able to grow and improve. If people were fair-minded to situations such as the one above and others, they could compare the ideas that are beneficial and discard the ones that are restraining their growth. Being unprejudiced in society has been essential. Accepting people of different race is an example of how society has improved and developed throughout time. Many years ago, discrimination against race was a serious issue and caused many people to be treated unjustly. However, as people learn that being prejudiced to such insignificant matters only cause more problems than what is gained from it, discrimination against race has reduced. Technology is affecting the world and is an area that has flourished in part by thinking outside the box.  A good example is Apple's iPhone.  While other phone companies were focused on creating one type of phone, Apple came out with innovative ideas such as a multi-touch screen interface, the ability to download applications directly to the device, and its many other features all at an affordable price. This has allowed them to dominate the smartphone market as we speak.   Due to the success of the IPhone, every mobile device company is now competing with Apple. Interestingly enough, Apple has never competed in the phone market until the iPhone came out.               Having an open mind is absolutely essential for growth in ourselves and in the global society. The world is trying to improve its self by developing new ideas, and in order for them to succeed, our minds need to be impartial. We must not allow ourselves to be held back by traditional or customary ideologies.

Public Comments

1. This is a decent essay that could use some small revisions. I don't know how much revision you can stand, but I'll suggest a few: Have you ever wondered how keeping an open mind has affected present-day life? It has allowed people to grow by developing our views, and improving our knowledge [this sentence switches from 3rd person to 2nd person: "our views"]. Society's views are very complicated in nature, and growth depends on open minds. Modern life is constantly changing with new ideas, trends, innovations, and technology, and people should be open and have unbiased judgments in order for these [these what? changes?] to succeed. .. the.smartphone market as we speak [we're writing, not speaking! say: the smartphone market today] The world is trying to improve itself by developing new ideas, and in order for them to succeed, our minds need to be impartial. ["the world" is too vague, and could mean the planet. say: Nations are trying to improve themselves by ... This sentence also switches from 3rd person to 2nd "our minds" so make this and the sentence quoted above consistent.] This essay is essentially good, but you can improve it if you want. Good luck!